An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
