How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
