Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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