My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
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i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
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I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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