brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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