I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
there's paper in my vomit.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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