Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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