if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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