apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
