I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I could fuck to npr.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Randomize
