Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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