....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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