I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
