accomplished twins. life is a go
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
