saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Randomize
