A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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