I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
my poor anus
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