I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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