I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
