do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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