btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
