I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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