Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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