So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
