ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
