He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Randomize
