I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
