She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
