I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
