You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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