So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
