dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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