anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
