The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
