His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
