i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
