his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
