My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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