Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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