your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
