Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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