No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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