My sheets look like a crime scene.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
