i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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