I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
