I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
