Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
