So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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