You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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