sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Randomize
