grandma shit on top of the toilet
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
