And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
