my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Randomize
