my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
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Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
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Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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