6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
