Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
