we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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