We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
