Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
