i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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