his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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